I Love You But..

I love you but.. do you love me?

I love you but.. am i just your friend?

Why? Why? Why? Don't you feel it? We know each other for quite some time now. We talk a lot.. We like each other... but.. why u never treat me differently? I'm not getting younger... Please love me.. What should i do? So tired to do more.. maybe this is the best! We will be friend forever!

I love you..

The Silent War! Gosh I Hate Her!

I’m a “Peace” person. I love peace, I will not start a fight with anybody and if I can, I will avoid making any scene and obviously, I’m not a drama queen. Although, people at the airport always treat us like a ball, they kick us all around the airport before finally said that this is the right line (I hate Air Asia!) I still maintain my charming. But.. Now I have a war in the office. This is what I call the silent war and we don’t really talk (well… ). The war is between Kate and the rest of us (5 cute ladies). I don’t understand her, well we can say I kind of understand her problem but I absolutely do not understand her action. I was her friend and I did love her as a friend… Until she decides that she doesn’t need me as her friend anymore. She decides that our friendship is not important.. at least not as important as her “affair”. So, this is what happen, we walk away from this friendship. Like Lida said “Friend is NOT forever” and I felt like crying every time I think of it.

The Story Began..

We love hanging out together.. We jog together and sometimes we shop together. We enjoy our company and I used to tell her my little sad story and she was indeed a friend who always listens. Maybe this is her strength and her weakness. She always listens, people like telling her story and maybe so did our senior. But not all people had a good intention. This senior start to play around, he tried to touch her hand and talk “bad” words. She was so depressed, she cried and we decide if it became worst we will tell the big boss..

Then..

I don’t know how, that guy kept taking her time and she started to forget us, people around her. Or dared I said, friends around her. So, time consuming, she had no more time for us and the fact that both of them already married to someone else did not matter anymore. I remember asking her “are u OK now?” and she told me, it was nothing to worry. She told me the reason they are close (like a dove) is nothing but professional.. It’s a job thing! Well.. she look happier and fading away..

The Action..

Being a straight forward person, I told her that she is going too far but we end up, me being a speculative and bad person. They are “just a friend!” who like to talk.. a lot.. But.. He is the only friend she wants now. I was becoming invisible. Like a silhouette.. but I still love her, I was just so frustrated..

The Turning Point..

She kept give me reasons to back away. Her friends do not matter anymore, and series of broken promises started. I can’t handle it. She was not here anymore. She in her own world and I’m not part of it. She pushed us away. I hate her and I miss her but she obviously doesn’t.

The Result…

I’m starting to ignore her. We talk only when we need to. I know, I give up on her.. I should not do that to a friend but she was the one who started it. Friendship is not a one way highway; it takes two people to be friends. But, I would ever never imagine that she will do this to me, to us.. She boycotts us! She won’t talk to us.. she do her own thing now.. She stay away from us, she alienated us. She makes us her enemy.. Why? I can’t understand this! She is the one who makes the mistake. She is the one who disappointed us not the other way around.

What she thinks? We should understand her little love story? It’s not even cute! In fact I think it’s ugly. Who on earth will bless infidelity? She makes me sick! And truly I can’t imagine, a long time ago, she was my friend.. It seems so not real! I wish she disappear and OUT of my life.

Well.. I'm Back!

After some time, i feel like retired from blogging. I don't want to write publicly anymore. Well, I did write my own e-diary but somehow, i miss to write here. I need some place to express my thought freely and publicly. We all need our time, our space but i felt that being judgmental to yourself is not a good thing too. So I think that become anonymous i the right think to do. The problem is i love this blog, i love my blog.. what i have to do is delete all of my pictures here.. and I will.

Why is this blog so special? First of all, the color. It's just so bright and cheerful. I create it my self. Secondly, I love who I am. This is the event that happen to me, and I don't want to delete it. I mean, I did crazy of Mawi.. and once upon a time, i thought that Alexander is the best thing that happen to me. I did love him. One more thing, I still in love with Josh Groban. :)

So.. I'm here to be myself and to be anonymous (Funny theory right?) And I love you..

Finally. The Time Have Come.

I’ve changed the blog address. I won’t let everybody read my blog. I only give this address to those I wanna give them. I made up my mind. Why? Because it’s become more personal and personal each time I wrote. I love my blog. I want it to still be here and I don’t need anonymous to read it. I hate feeling afraid or terrified each time when I write something. I’m afraid people will be judgmental towards me. I hate thinking if my grammar was bad even it’s not important for some. I afraid I sound too childish or too crazy or too obsessive or too stupid. I’m afraid that I write too long or too emotional. I’m afraid a lot of things that I shouldn’t have to. So, I decide. I’m free now. Right now, only 2 persons know this new address. My sister that I used to share my heart and feeling even though maybe things change now when she got married. It’s ok because people do change in live. The other one is my bestfriend, the one that I talk with most for more than 3 years now. She just knows me so much that I think there’s nothing left for me to hide. But well, maybe there is. All people have a secretJ. So, I think this is what I’m doing. If some anonymous or friends found out my blog address and do reads my blog, I’ll consider it as god will. It’s fate. I can’t stop it and I won’t.

From now on, I’ll write whatever I want. I’ll write about Josh a thousand times if I want. I’ll drone about Alexander. I’ll write about how good Linkin Park was or how sexy Sean Paul is or how I think Mariah Carey have a very sexy figure. If only I have all the time in the world, I’ll write how I love “The Apprentice”, “House”, “Las Vegas”, “The O.C”, “Charmed” and all. So, I think I can’t have all the time in the world but I’ll spend some. It’s my blog, my story, my time.

This is like I’m talking to myself. After quite a long time writing in this blog I also figure out the one that I want to impress most is not the readers but to myself. Me myself was a reader, is a reader and always be a reader to my blog. I always keep reading my journal/diary I wrote long time ago and I remember I wish people read it too. And when somebody do read my ‘pooh’ book, I remember I feel bad about it. So, I believe this is a good decision.

Even more, I think some people just read my blog for a wrong reason. I’m not a big fan of Mawi anymore. Mawi is the reason I start writing this blog, thanks for that and I still like him as an artist. He is the only one that I like and bored about. I never bored to Brad Pit or Jason Behr (known as max) or Harry Potter or Sanzo or Frodo. I don’t understand this, but I just turn off Era yesterday when Mawi was a DJ. I also don’t feel like reading mawifc anymore. Too fake. I guess I’ll never understand this and the only reason that I can think of is it’s because I always see him as unwise in everything and maybe I’m too good for this. I don’t know. How bad of me to judge him when I hate people judging me. But hack, he’s a public figure so deal with it.

I wanna say sorry to anybody who used to know my blog or had read my blog. I’m sorry to just back off (this sorry will only reach them if they happen to know this new one.. could it happen? I’m so sorry)

Right now, I feel so miserable. For all things that happen to me lately and still happen now. I feel so miserable, so lonely and so sad. I have no more energy to deal with stupid people. But I also believe I’m strong and independent women. I know I should be more in control. Oh, how pathetic I sound. Maybe I should just go on. Let things happen when it’s happen.

As I like, I end this posting by paste one of the very best songs from Josh Groban. The one song that really means a lot, really touch me. The song that I believe should be taken seriously. Even this song has nothing to do with my feeling right now but it really have a very deep meaning and I just want it to be here. I love this song and I wanna sing it in my head. Someday, I hope that I’ll have courage to fall. Someday…

LET ME FALL
By Josh Groban

Let me fall, Let me climb
There's a moment when fear and dreams must collide

Someone I am is waiting for courage
The one I want, the one I will become will catch me
So let me fall if I must fall
I won't heed your warnings I won't hear them

Let me fall if I fall
Though the phoenix may or may not rise

I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and shame

Someone I am is waiting for my courage
The one I want, the one I will become will catch me
So let me fall if I must fall
I won't heed your warning I won't hear

Let me fall if I fall
There's no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall