I Need A Shoulder To Cry On..

Everyone need a shoulder to cry on...

Lately, I feel very lonely.. very sad.. and maybe depress.. i don't know. It just inside me , i feel it. Maybe it's because of the "things" that happen lately in my life or maybe because i have so many things to deal with.. or maybe it's the combination of all..

1. Friendships..
I lost a friend.. this is something that i never ever think would happen in my life.. I mean really lost a friend. Gone. It's hurt. I keep asking myself why? I know i shouldn't but i can't help this feeling. I feel so sad. I lost a friend that i used to love. I lost a friend who i can tell the weakness i feel inside of me. A friend who i thought understand me. I just feel sad and no way, i mean no way i can forgive her for everything she did to me.

2. Boy Friend?
I also think I just end up something that not really there. I just hate feeling cheated. I hate him for all the things that he didn't do and I'm angry to myself for not having more patient. I just had enough. I just can not pretend anymore. Enough is enough.

3. The Wedding..
Well, it was my younger brother wedding last week. I'm happy for him. No pretending.. I'm really happy for him but.. I think i have enough of his attitude of "Me against the World". I have no more energy to be a perfect sister. I just can not stand selfish anymore. Anyway, he clearly doesn't need me anymore. Sometimes i wonder suppose it be when you are happy, people around you should feel the same?

4. The Exams..
This is not really a problem. Maybe i just have too much anxiety.. too worried.. I have a fluctuated feeling.. sometimes i feel everything gonna be OK but sometimes i just feel what if I don't make it? I'm thinking too much into this..

I'm worried about many other things.. I'm worried about my work.. I'm worried about my health.. Sometimes I think I'm overly cautious of my health. I always afraid with so many things.. The previous problems keep haunting me. I don't know how to stop thinking and imagining something that not there.

I feel life is not fair.. I feel my problem is just stupid to be a problem. Maybe it's not a problem, it just me.. yes I'm overly thinking of everything... and now I can't sleep.. Right now, I feel like i have no shoulder to cry on. The one who I can tell everything and anything.. I need somebody that i can be weak.. somebody that i don't have to be strong.. Somebody that i just can cry my heart out. Somebody who would think that my stupid little problems is not so stupid after all..

But you can't get everything you want..

I Love You But..

I love you but.. do you love me?

I love you but.. am i just your friend?

Why? Why? Why? Don't you feel it? We know each other for quite some time now. We talk a lot.. We like each other... but.. why u never treat me differently? I'm not getting younger... Please love me.. What should i do? So tired to do more.. maybe this is the best! We will be friend forever!

I love you..

The Silent War! Gosh I Hate Her!

I’m a “Peace” person. I love peace, I will not start a fight with anybody and if I can, I will avoid making any scene and obviously, I’m not a drama queen. Although, people at the airport always treat us like a ball, they kick us all around the airport before finally said that this is the right line (I hate Air Asia!) I still maintain my charming. But.. Now I have a war in the office. This is what I call the silent war and we don’t really talk (well… ). The war is between Kate and the rest of us (5 cute ladies). I don’t understand her, well we can say I kind of understand her problem but I absolutely do not understand her action. I was her friend and I did love her as a friend… Until she decides that she doesn’t need me as her friend anymore. She decides that our friendship is not important.. at least not as important as her “affair”. So, this is what happen, we walk away from this friendship. Like Lida said “Friend is NOT forever” and I felt like crying every time I think of it.

The Story Began..

We love hanging out together.. We jog together and sometimes we shop together. We enjoy our company and I used to tell her my little sad story and she was indeed a friend who always listens. Maybe this is her strength and her weakness. She always listens, people like telling her story and maybe so did our senior. But not all people had a good intention. This senior start to play around, he tried to touch her hand and talk “bad” words. She was so depressed, she cried and we decide if it became worst we will tell the big boss..

Then..

I don’t know how, that guy kept taking her time and she started to forget us, people around her. Or dared I said, friends around her. So, time consuming, she had no more time for us and the fact that both of them already married to someone else did not matter anymore. I remember asking her “are u OK now?” and she told me, it was nothing to worry. She told me the reason they are close (like a dove) is nothing but professional.. It’s a job thing! Well.. she look happier and fading away..

The Action..

Being a straight forward person, I told her that she is going too far but we end up, me being a speculative and bad person. They are “just a friend!” who like to talk.. a lot.. But.. He is the only friend she wants now. I was becoming invisible. Like a silhouette.. but I still love her, I was just so frustrated..

The Turning Point..

She kept give me reasons to back away. Her friends do not matter anymore, and series of broken promises started. I can’t handle it. She was not here anymore. She in her own world and I’m not part of it. She pushed us away. I hate her and I miss her but she obviously doesn’t.

The Result…

I’m starting to ignore her. We talk only when we need to. I know, I give up on her.. I should not do that to a friend but she was the one who started it. Friendship is not a one way highway; it takes two people to be friends. But, I would ever never imagine that she will do this to me, to us.. She boycotts us! She won’t talk to us.. she do her own thing now.. She stay away from us, she alienated us. She makes us her enemy.. Why? I can’t understand this! She is the one who makes the mistake. She is the one who disappointed us not the other way around.

What she thinks? We should understand her little love story? It’s not even cute! In fact I think it’s ugly. Who on earth will bless infidelity? She makes me sick! And truly I can’t imagine, a long time ago, she was my friend.. It seems so not real! I wish she disappear and OUT of my life.

Well.. I'm Back!

After some time, i feel like retired from blogging. I don't want to write publicly anymore. Well, I did write my own e-diary but somehow, i miss to write here. I need some place to express my thought freely and publicly. We all need our time, our space but i felt that being judgmental to yourself is not a good thing too. So I think that become anonymous i the right think to do. The problem is i love this blog, i love my blog.. what i have to do is delete all of my pictures here.. and I will.

Why is this blog so special? First of all, the color. It's just so bright and cheerful. I create it my self. Secondly, I love who I am. This is the event that happen to me, and I don't want to delete it. I mean, I did crazy of Mawi.. and once upon a time, i thought that Alexander is the best thing that happen to me. I did love him. One more thing, I still in love with Josh Groban. :)

So.. I'm here to be myself and to be anonymous (Funny theory right?) And I love you..